Perfect Potion

So there it is. My, what seems like, never ending supply of pills, pills, and more pills.

This is what my doctors hope is the 'perfect potion' on my long road to pregnancy. Take one twice a day and the other once a day. Then the third and final only on the last 10 days of the month and only right before bedtime. Don't take 'this one' if you become pregnant, but 'this one' is okay to take if you become pregnant. 'This one' will make you dizzy, 'this one' tired, and 'this one' will make you both along with a massive headache!

As I gag down the last of the pills at the end of the day with a big glass of milk, which to me is enough to make me loose it, I wonder are the benefits outweighing the side effects? Then what do I have to look forward to...morning sickness? I would imagine what I feel now from all these pills is what morning sickness would be like.

"Why me?" enters my mind. Why is it so hard for me to have what I want so desperately? Why do so many undeserving people seem to have children so easily? Why is this my struggle? I hate the feelings that come along with this 'struggle' of mine. Loneliness, hopelessness, embarrassed, flawed, inferior...I could go on and on.

So in the midst of my 'pity party' I am reminded all too often that maybe it's just not my time, though that gives me little comfort. But I will muster up all that I can to put on a happy face and keep my hopes up high. Because deep down I know, no matter how I have to become a mother to a child, I will do it and I will love that child with more love than my heart can hold.