profound thoughts or just me rambling???

I feel as though I need to post something profound, though I'm not so sure what to say. So I'll just start and let my words come out as they will - then I'll read through a few times and probably edit a lot of what I'm feeling these days.

First and foremost I feel grateful. I am so in love with my baby girl. Though I'll be honest in saying motherhood is not what I expected. It's hard, it's emotional, it's frustrating and it's amazing. I have always heard people say once you are a mother you will know what it's like to love someone this much. It couldn't be more true. I thought I loved Bert, which I do, but boy - this love I have for her is beautiful. She is my world. She is the first and last thing I think about every day. My world revolves around her and no longer around me. I take time for myself which is oh-so-pleasant, but I still am always thinking about her.

I miss my 'old life', getting up and going when I choose, showering once a day, not worrying about anyone but myself, (ugh!) but I would not trade her in for anything! It's a strange feeling to be a mother, it still hits me everyday - I wanted her so bad for so long and now here she is - she is mine - for-ev-er.

I am frustrated. I hate this economy and for anyone that knows us well, you will know it has hit us about as hard as it can. First loosing the business in Vegas and then having to move home so quickly turned my world around. I was not ready for it and I am still struggling every day being back here. I want to run away some days and never look back in the direction of Utah. We went from being on top of the world - or though it seemed - to being about as low as you can get without being homeless and completely reliant on everyone around us. It's a very frustrating and saddening feeling, yet humbling at the same time. It has tried our marriage to the point of near destruction, and will hopefully bring us together again as a stronger and more amazing family in the future. For now - it's just day by day and one step in front of the other.

I am amazed. Since moving back I am being shown a side of people (close to me and not so close to me) that I wouldn't have expected, though I am not surprised. It makes me angry and sad, mostly for them. I feel like they are missing out on the most important things and experiences and lessons to be learned in this life. All the while they are content being selfish and shallow. Maybe they don't see it enough to change or maybe they do and don't want to. In either case, it is really the most amazing thing to sit back and observe them choose what they will. Then I am amazed at the people around me who surround themselves with love, compassion for others, understanding, and unselfishness - that is where my true amazement comes into focus. I strive to be a stronger woman, a better mother, and a good wife everyday. I realize I cannot do that when I surround myself with the selfish and shallow people I see.

I'll close with the lyrics to my new favorite song from George Strait "The Breath You Take":

How many times have we heard the saying "It's not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breaths away" - I know I've heard it a gazillion times and seen it in just about every home here in good 'ole Utah in some form or another. But boy did George put it perfectly in this song....

He looks up from second base dad’s up in the stands

He saw the hit, the run, the slide there ain’t no bigger fan

In the parking lot after the game he said

“Dad I thought you had a plane to catch”

He smiled and said “Yeah son I did”

Life’s not the breaths you take

The breathing in and out

That gets you through the day

Ain’t what it’s all about

Ya just might miss the point

Try’n to win the race

Life’s not the breaths you take

But the moments that take your breath away

Fast forward fifteen years

And a thousand miles away

Boy’s built a life he’s got a wife

And a baby due today

He hears a voice saying “I made it son

He said “I told you dad you didn’t have to come”

He smiles and says ”Yeah I know you did”

Life’s not the breaths you take

The breathing in and out

That gets you through the day

Ain’t what it’s all about

Ya just might miss the point

Try’n to win the race

Life’s not the breaths you take

But the moments that take your breath away

Just like it took my breath when she was born

Just like it took my breath away when dad took his last that morn

Life’s not the breaths you take

The breathing in and out

That gets you through the day

Ain’t what it’s all about

Ya just might miss the point

If ya don’t slow down the pace

Life’s not the breaths you take

But the moments that take your breath away